It’s hard to remember now late in December..er…February what it was like when I first came home from the Hospital. But I’ll try.
I was so anxious to get home where two beautiful women awaited me. My lovely wife Diane and my dear friend Jill Coleman-Wheeler who by the way writes an excellent blog, DrJillian.com.
We three have shared some wonderful times together and I was so very grateful that she flew up from Austin to help Diane care for me. I needed plenty of care. It was like coming home to my own version of Big Love…without all the benefits.
Oh, I was eager to get back in familiar surroundings, but I was also terrified at what was to come. I felt like a bowling pin in a world of bowling balls.
I’ve never felt like that before, afraid of the unknown. I’ve always had faith I’d come out on top. Boy, the fear of my own next step really sucks.
Strokes do that for you. They give you all kinds of new feelings and experiences.
It’s just one of the side benefits.
I ambulated more than walked. I couldn’t get out of my favorite chair without help. So, most of the time I sat in a wheel chair. Sometimes I even needed help with that. Heck, I couldn’t do much of anything without help to be honest.
But I was determined.
I wore a white canvas belt around my chest on which I clipped my Blackberry, but that wasn’t the purpose of the belt. It was a handle. Somebody had to walk along side of me holding on to the belt in case I lost my balance. Diane and Jill were my protectors, my bodyguards.
Once a day I would “walk” with a bodyguard from the living room to the den and back again. That was my big outing. That and going to the bathroom every hour or so. Whoopee!
Oh, that required stepping up a stair. Which I have only lately mastered. Then it was always a crap shoot if I’d make it to higher ground or get better acquainted with the tile work.
Jill kept me from falling once. Whew! That was thrilling for both of us. Too bad she wasn’t there a month later. By then I was pushing the envelope. I decided it was high time I took back control of my own body.
I was coming back from the bathroom. Angry at Stroke Tom. Angry and filled with regret. Not my best moment, really. I don’t know exactly what happened. I was coming down that step using my cane instead of the four legged walker. It’s an easy move just not that day, I guess.
All I remember is taking that step and feeling really angry that my life had come to this. Then quicker than I could grasp what was happening I was trying to grab the door jam to the garage. I was falling sideways on my right side, the paralyzed side. I clawed at the door jam trying to gain purchase. But that opportunity was gone almost before I knew I was in trouble.
Next came the furnace. My mind screamed out to grab the gas line, but that chance at rescue was gone, too. “Diane is only a few feet away, if I could just call out.” The thought went through my mind the instant before I hit.
My right shoulder made contact first. It smashed onto the tile entry step of the garage. The raised metal threshold bit into my hip. It hurt so bad and I wanted to scream or cry, but I couldn’t; the fall had knocked the wind clear out of me.
But once I got my wind, oh Lord!
That fall set my stroke recovery back at least two months. Actually six months later the chiropractor is still working on freeing up that shoulder from the shoulder blade. Those adjustments are tough. Bone on bone. I usually take pain killers before I go.
In many ways that fall was worse than the stroke itself. It has, however, given me a vivid image of what happens when I allow myself to wallow in self pity and regret.
If I had stayed on the bright side and focused on the progress of my Stroke Recovery, I wouldn’t have been distracted and my big fall wouldn’t have happened.
You can’t ever go back. You are where you are. The tests and challenges we face in this life are not fair. They are not random. They are not mistakes. They are lessons. Meant to raise us up to a higher level of consciousness whether we like it or not.
They make us stronger. They help make us super stars able to handle any test or difficulty with ease.
Whatever troubles you face in your life are no different. They too will pass. All tests and difficulties are by definition temporary as long as you face them…until you face them. And learn the lesson waiting for you.
When trouble comes knocking, ask yourself, “what will I learn from this?” Imagine how strong and powerful you’ll be once your current troubles pass. Then face it head on and remember, God’s just waiting for your call.
Tom Pauley
Oh! A good way to remember how powerful you are is to listen to folks like you who’ve embraced their power.
Important! I really cannot tell you how much your comments mean to me. I love you so much.
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Well done Tom! I am so appreciating the benefits your honesty is giving me. Thank you also for sharing your lessons – not an easy thing to do at all. Neither is looking adversity in the eye, being grateful for the oppurtunity and asking “what am I supposed to learn from this?”.
Well done Tom!
Well done Tom! I am so appreciating the benefit your honesty is giving me. Thank you also for sharing your lessons – not an easy thing to do at all. Neither is looking adversity in the eye, being grateful for the oppurtunity and asking “what am I supposed to learn from this?”.
Well done Tom!
Tom… guess I have been not paying any attention to past emails… had no idea all this had happened to you until this AM. Thank you for sharing your ups and downs… I know we all have them… but, sometimes we think we are the only ones hurting. My thoughts and love go out to you as you achieve the highest and best that is there for you. I will hold you in the space of healing and peace… that you will feel that power within you burning brighter than ever before. Namaste!!
Dear Tom, You are very brave.I get so hassled with small things ,but having read your experience , I have changed. I have stopped worrying.Thank you so much.
You are such a gift!! It is such a challenge at times to be so human!! And it makes being in that beautiful alignment where it all flows so much more amazing! It is unknown for you how much you are giving to others and how much benefit is coming from this experience. You may be able to bi-locate by the time you are back to your normal body!
You may design a whole new course on appreciation for where you are as the foundation for change. Hard to say as you are so amazing!! Many are gifted by you – in deep appreciation I say thank you for being you.
Tom, I love your “real” honesty. There is a new message or lesson in each of your journal entries. I have always looked forward to emails from you and the family. You are doing wonderful. God Bless. You have helped me and so many other people.
I LOVE you. Tell Diane “hi” for me. (I am the cat lady)
Tom, thanks for your inspiration and heart. I always love reading your blog and emails. In your email you mentioned something about understanding if we are as tired of hearing about this as you are of dealing with it. My immediate reaction to that before even getting over to the blog was, “Tired of hearing from Tom? Never!” You have been here for us for so long, it’s powerful the way you help us feel we can be there with you, sharing in your awesome recovery process!
Much love and joy,
Donna
Congratulations Tom. From the beginning of the Stroke Tom blog, you chose to grow spiritually stronger through this enormous obstacle of stroke recovery. Now the “Irish” that served you in the past is being replaced by the quiet transformative healing power of love and a knowing faith. There is still much work to be done using a whole different understanding of the “Laws” of life. You can do it! You are doing it! God speed.
Duane
Hi Tom. Glad to know you doing fine and wow you are so enspiring. Great to hear you recovering well and so positive. Thanks so, so, so much, truly for all your enspiring emails man. Just when i think im falling your emails always lift my spirits and teach me something new, thank you. God Bless always and love to your family too. Im so happy to have found your site, its a true blessing. Take care! Thank you and keep rock and rolling.
Regards Tania Jenkinson (South Africa) (U.A.E)
Dam. Be strong brother. A very stark reminder that many things we view as problems are really nothing to spend time on. Each day spent healthy is worth rejoicing. Each step in your recovery Tom helps other realize they too can conquer their problems.
God Bless,
Mark
You are a courageous inspiration, Tom, tho, I guess it sure doesn’t much feel like it sometimes! Wow, thank you for reminding me how precious every moment is and how positivity is all about ‘just this second’, not just ‘the big picture’. We’re pulling for ya!
Thanks Tom! Like all the others above I appreciate your blog. I appreciate your honesty, and I appreciate your determination. My father had a stroke a few years ago, and I know that everything you and your family are going through is really difficult. But it is so inspiring to watch you persevere and search for the lesson you can learn. And I especially appreciate you sharing your learning and growth with all of us. I am sending you healing energy. Be as whole as you can be. Much love to you and Diane, and your family.
Namaste, Daphne
hello Mr T. I am Samuel, No one who know you with your beatiful sense of writtings in your blog and webside will ever get tired of reading from you. Always happy to read from you. more greeze to your elbow. …Samuel…
Tom. You are an inspiration, a teacher & a mentor. My thoughts & prayers are with you for a speedy recovery. As you said all of lifes lessons are just that. It’s how we choose to deal, see then & handle them. Peace & love.
Denise
You are such an inspiration to those of us who choose, also, to fight our own personal illnesses, knowing there’s a lesson or three to be learned on the path to our particular recovery. Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to be such a bright light in all our days! Keep on moving – cos moss can’t grow on a rolling stone! *chuckle*
You are a light you are a rising positive energy.
Humanity needs you.
All the best
sam
Mauritius
Dear Tom, I’m sorry to read this as I had sort of noticed events but been preoccupied with my own troubles. Now I hope someone who needs to know this will read it. For some time now just before I get up set or try to communicate with my live in mother in law, (we have a cultural language gap,) over things she seems to be very deliberate about doing wrong, I feel a sort of warning in my brain. Its sort of like a pulse. If I get angry it seems to leave a trace and feeling that my brain will shut off in a stroke if I continue. I have to really keep a love and compassion feeling when she is acting senile after seeming to be on the ball. As well if I get upset I have to immediately send myself forgiveness and support feelings of love. And also send them to her. And the next time we meet I have to put extra effort in to caring for her. In all areas it is paying off. She seems to use mind over matter as an old samurai WWII lady. (90 years in 3 months) She does minimal exercise but seems to choose only silly TV thus laughs a lot, if it gets cruel or murderous, she changes channels or closes her eyes and curls up like a bird. While sports events are going on she seems to feel like she is right there. She seldom walks or does any thing around the house which could raise her heart beat, but suddenly she can walk for some hours. I’m beginning to think she uses a lot of mental training. so it is important what we let in our minds and hearts.
I wish you so much healing of your stroke. I can easily imagine the trouble and pain it causes you. Blessings and healing.
I really like reading your blog about your stroke because it’s so well written and so insightful. I’m glad you are able to convey your experience so truthfully. I’m really glad that you’ve recovered so well.
Hi Tom! Like many others, I want to thank you also. You are an inspiration more than you think you know. I always like to read what you write. Your emails are AlWAYS the first ones that I read, actually sometimes the only ones I make time for. You have helped me more than you will ever know since 2003. I know that you will get through this time in your life. I am sending you and your family all my love and best wishes. Take care.
Tom:
It strikes me how much your recovery journey is like the Olympics! Some days there are disappointments and no medals. Other days you”ve won the gold with your progress. But whatever the outcome you never give up or give in. My friend, you truly are an inspiration to me! I had no idea what was going on and I appreciate you sharing the process with us all. We all face challenges at one time or another that help us remember who and what is most important to us.
Love and hugs
I appreciate the honesty.
Seriously though are you paying attention to what you’re eating? Now I’m not a qualified doctor, but I changed my life and that of my fathers (cancer) by giving up all processed and cooked food. Only fresh and raw. Sounds insane but the results have been incredible. Do a google on David Wolfe who has been my mentor.
I believe you can really turn your health right around. Thanks for all the inspiration and abundance programmes.
I simply am humbled and at the same time encouraged by your experience. It’s been inspirational, too. Thanx, Tom and God bless you.
Congratulation.Tom i,m very happy you have recovered from the stroke.ever since i you, you have always been a blessing to me, And i appreciate your determination, you are a blessing to nations
my heart goes out to you. you are an inspiration to my soul. thanks man.
My stroke was July 10,2004. I had a major stroke which has left me more or less helpless on my left side. I can walk a little but my left hand wants no part of my life. .I feel stupid. I can’t understand what people are saying to me sometimes. I am so scared of life. It also lefyt me with epilepsy.I function very well in life and I thank my precious Lord for this as I love Him so very much.I live alone as my husband and daughter abandonded me two weeks after my stroke and I am oh so lonely. I have been alone now foe five years. Its terrible. I hate it. But I accept the Lords will. At least I am in my own home. Praise my Jesus.
My heart goes out to you. I know all to well that we are in this world to grow and learn. And sometimes the lessons feel more like punishment than than progress. Stay strong. We love you.