Brain Stroke Recovery – Always Tired 13

“A good day is when I feel no pain.
A bad day is when I lie in bed and think what might have been.”

Paul Simon’s words hit me hard this bright and beautiful Christmas morn.

Why is it we who have so much think we have so little? Why do we have to remind ourselves to be thankful for all we do have? Why must we be told to focus on what is good in our lives and eschew all the negative stuff.

I don’t know, but it sure is true. At least, it is for me.

I sleep about six or sometimes seven hours a night. A good restful sleep. Do I give thanks I’m not still sleeping only four restless hours? Do I give thanks that I can now get up and walk to the bathroom, take a shower and dress myself for the day without help? That I no longer have to lie flat on my back, wide awake, legs cramping, mind racing, waiting sometimes for hours for Diane to wake up and take care of me?

Only when pressed to count my blessings.

I should give thanks everyday that I’m not confined to bed, a gurgling, useless remnant of my former self. I should give thanks I’m not always tired anymore with stroke fatigue. I should fall on my knees (regardless how painful and completely stupid that would be) and thank God for my Miracle Healing.

But what I do if I’m not constantly vigilant is “think of things that might have been.”

What if I had gone to the Doctor that week before Stroke Tom? I was feeling strange that week. I sometimes had a hard time getting a breath. I didn’t want Diane to go on the trip to see her mother. I remember thinking, more than once, “maybe I should see the Doctor.”

Heck, maybe I should have simply taken my blood pressure. And not discounted the reading because “the machine must be broken” or “I just run a little hot.”

But no, at the time I was too busy wondering what might have been if I’d have prepared for the Great Bank Shuffle of 2008. The signs were all there…declining business, more people losing jobs, Americans disillusioned with the Law of Attraction as instant gratification became a long term project.

And I would have prepared better if I hadn’t been wondering what might have been if I’d written more books and been in a movie like my friends.

Of course, I didn’t write more books like “I’m Rich Beyond My Wildest Dreams. I am. I am. I am.” because I was wondering what might have been if I’d have taken a book tour for that book. Or if I’d written a thriller like Dan Brown. Or great cop books like James Lee Burke.

Or what if I’d changed my personality and became more easy going, more willing to go along with…well, with the capricious demands of small minded hypocrites, slaves to archaic and obsolete thinking….

Oh, maybe that’s why I’ve been fired so many times.

Seems like a single drop of gratitude is worth all the “what ifs” you can think up. What might have been is always a burden, it never helps and it never stops.

So, here we are smack dab in the middle of the greatest economic recession since the Great Depression. If you aren’t feeling the pinch then surely you know someone who is. If not, you’re a very lucky person.

So, what’s the best way to handle it?

Be grateful we’re alive and thank God for what we do have? Or lie awake thinking of all that might have been?

I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I get up and get going fast, so I don’t have time to think. I’ve got plenty of energy now that I drink my Elixir. I do what is in front of me that day. I do what I can. I write because I can.

I thank God every single day for all I have. And I have fun. The rest is up to God. Always is. No matter what I do, the outcome is always up to God.

• More to come

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